Well, if you took notice of the date of my last post, you know it has been almost a year. And what a year it as been. At this time last year, I was... not well. Depressed. Lonely. A very miserable being putting on a happy face for the rest of the world, especially my children. I admit, I was really good at it. Only a few tapped into what was truly in my heart...
It was one of these cherished friends who shed some light on my dismal outlook on life. This friends simple advice gave me a starting point, gave me something to focus on while trying to untangle my life. Eventually, it gave me the courage and confidence that I was going to need to survive this past year. The advice? Exercise. Yeah, I know... And no, this is NOT a fitness story about how working out changed my life. Tho, I guess it actually did.
Nov 2011, I started walking on a treadmill 5 times a week. Simply walking. And then started eating extremely healthy. The combination of the those two things had a profound effect on my attitude and how I felt physically. Did it solve my problems? No. Not in anyway. But, it did put my mind in a better place. A place where I felt I could make much better decisions about the direction I wanted my life to go. So, I walked.
The following three months, I examined my life under a microscope. I got real honest about my feelings for my husband, about the kind mom that I was being to my kids, about the failures that I had never really owned and the disappointments that I never expressed. It was depressing. The road I was on was very... gray. I knew I could not continue in this fashion. I had countless conversations with my mom, my sister, and a few friends who knew what was going on in my head. I cried, I worried, I prayed, I cried some more. I weighed my options, weighed the pros, the cons. Tried to guess at the unknowns. And, I walked. In the end, what it really came down to was this. Me. And as selfish as that sounds, I knew I had to do what was going to make ME happy. Because, unhappy me wasn't good for anyone.
I told my now ex-husband at the beginning of Feb 2012 that I wanted a divorce. He moved out the next day. We didn't fight. There was very little drama. Sure, we had a few tiffs working out the details of the divorce. But, all in all, it was a very simple end to a passionless marriage. They say that the opposite of love is not Hate. It's Indifference. Having experienced it first hand, I know it to be true.
My divorce had a domino effect on my life. Not surprising. I now had myself and two little kids to support. Thankfully, I had the beginnings of my in-home daycare already in place. All I had to do was expand. That is an adventurous story for another day, but I now own Pitter Patter Childcare and run it out of my basement of the home that I own. And I love it! Don't get me wrong. It's hard. It's definitely the hardest job I have ever had. But it is also very satisfying and rewarding. I know that I am very lucky to have these kids in my daily life!
My own kids have dealt with the divorce surprisingly well. To be honest, not a whole lot changed for them on a daily basis. Their dad was just as invested in them as he was in me, which was not a lot. Now, they get to have "sleepovers with Daddy" and their relationships have grown so much already. A silver lining for sure.
And as for me? Well, I'm still working on me. I have made some mistakes. A lot of mistakes, actually. And I'm okay with that. “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw. I lost 41 lbs. Another silver lining. And I feel great. But more importantly, I FEEL. There is nothing quite so depressing as envisioning your life ahead of you and seeing nothing but reruns of the mediocre life behind you. Now, I look ahead and I feel... Well, a lot of things. Happiness. Excitement. Fear. Ambition. Hope.
Things are starting to feel normal again, but in a good way. “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” --Robert Frost. I have reconnected with some old friends, made some new friends, had some fun adventures, learned some hard lessons, learned to be alone and be okay with it, and also to ask for help when I need it. I use to think I wanted the perfect life. No bumps in the road. No struggles. No surprises. Black and White. Gray. I had worked so hard at making the perfect life that I lost sight of what it is really about. And that is living it.
"“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists... it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged"
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